I Tried To Convince Myself You Weren’t Real

Dear God.
I tried to convince myself you weren’t real. If you were, I definitely wasn’t going to be let into your club. I earnestly asked you into my heart years ago, but apparently I was one of those guys that just didn’t get it. I didn’t fit into the church scene. I was too self-centered and untrusting to really let you in my life. I hurt inside and tried to mask it with irresponsible risk-taking, drinking, stealing, and sex. I was plagued by my past and the way that I had hurt my family and people who loved me. As you know, my dad left when I was 8 and didn’t make a big point out of seeing me or knowing me or helping me after that. Then when I got in trouble at age 15 and said I needed him, he let me come and live with him. That only lasted until he saw who I really was. He asked me to leave after 2 years because he didn’t want to deal with me. He didn’t want to be with me because I had too many problems. That was 21 years ago. I was 17 and I felt pretty worthless after that for a long time. I think that’s why I’ve had such a thick head about believing you. I lived so long as the perpetual bad boy who was out to prove that I was unloveable. I was waiting for you to break me down and punish me for not giving in to your program. I was waiting for you to reveal the real me to the world - the liar, the thief, the hypocrite, and the addict - so I would get what I deserved and my worthlessness would be confirmed. Then, the other day you showed your fierce, unrelenting love for even me. You showed me through a perfect storm of people, events and a book by Donald Miller. I cried like a baby for the first time in years. I felt clean and loved. I understand you a little better. I know you are not in the business of breaking me down into submission because you are the mighty creator. Instead you are my greatest help, my friend, my rock and my provider. You made a place for me and want me with you forever. That is everything to me today.
Thank you. Love